SXSW

We played tonight at SXSW and just got back home. It was incredible to have played somewhere new and to still have been received so well. What a great city for music. I love playing for fresh ears and doing what I can to make my music an experience for them. It is the most honest I can ever be.

I did enjoy some nice conversation with my car buddy, Anna. She is a great friend to have. I am lucky to have gotten to share 4+ hours with her learning about her and sharing about me.

It was just an excellent day.

I'm off to Florida tomorrow. Wish us luck and pray for our journey.

God Bless.

we are all in love

New song. I am happy to say it is exactly how I want it to be.

I was looking for something, someone to call my beautiful. Someone who needed me like I needed them and who could pick me up when I’m down. Maybe I am a nothing. I could never be your beautiful, but you needed me like a cheap cigarette. Now you’ve used me up and I’m gone.

I guess that’s fine. I’m marked yours ‘til the end of time. You dragged me to your lips, now the ashes fill my mouth.

What I’m saying is, you know we’re all in love. Hear me say it now, because we’re all in love.

Then I looked up for someone, someone to call my beautiful. When I looked around, well, the answer I found was more hopeless than it seemed. Maybe I possess nothing that could ever change how this unfolds. I’ll forgive my lies when I say that you’ve tried every possibility.

I guess that’s fine. I have no regrets left to find. I chased what I had loved ‘til my love had escaped me.

We're all in love.

Something beautiful is all we seek. Something or someone to make our loving feel complete. I searched the earth and all I found were selfish girls and stupid boys all making selfish plans and shouting stupid words. Let's work for something beautiful beneath the sky. Let's work for someone greater, something higher, someone brighter, or someone worth the fight.

We're all in love.

The EP we are working on has a concept. It is my story. It is the story of my relationship from start to end. It is about how I loved, how I tried, and how I lost it at the end. It is entitled "The Resolution." How fitting... This is the last song of my story. I do not know what love the future holds for me. What I do know is this...

Then, I loved when I could, as hard as I could. Now, I love when I can, as hard as I can. The rest is up to God. I realized that last night. I can finally say my story has some kind of end for me that I am okay with.

Pray for me. I'll be at SXSW tomorrow playing my heart out. You can count on that.

Peace & Love

5 months

I still miss her. It has been saddening the past few days. I have done my best to put some time and clarity into the way I feel and the way I have felt. I stand here today knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I loved her. The depressing part is that I think I still do. I do not know what the consequences of that are, but I know I hope she is happy. I wish I had her around still, but I know I can't. Bummer day.

Thanks Jeff, by the way, for my reliving of Sonic Adventure 2 Battle. You are some friend!

God Bless.

Studying

So I am chilling out in Muldoon's for the day trying to study for the two electrical engineering tests I have tomorrow afternoon. It is not too much fun. I am not a study pro, nor will I ever be I think. This is the first time this semester I have needed to study. The first round of tests is always the worst.

Just when you thought protractors were confusing...

http://www.ece.msstate.edu/~donohoe/smithchart.gif

Welcome to my life apparently.

I am trying to be a great student, but my heart and mind are in many different places.

To my dear friend here in College Station:

You are awesome. You are always wanted around me. We will figure out our place in this world.

To my sister in Searcy:

Days move so slowly when you are in danger of losing someone you love. Just keep in mind, that no matter how slowly its moving, there will always be a tomorrow. You are strong. You are faithful. Keep it up. God doesn't show you gold just to give you silver.

To my friend in Dallas:

All I can keep saying is pull through. No one will ever be exactly where you are, but don't discourage. You have people in your life striving to pull you away from any darkness you find yourself in. Even if they can't pull you away, then they will stand next to you fighting it.

Thank God for good friends. I love you all.

God bless.

Courage

I had an opportunity today to say what I meant in the best way possible. I am lucky to say I have succeeded. I believe with all my heart that God has been preparing me for that moment for the past few weeks.

Thank you God.

Thank you friends who have helped me overcome my fears.

Thank you JB for all the encouragement.

God Bless.

Healing

I have been blessed recently by a good friend, Anna. She and I have been talking a lot about the struggles and fears that come with losing someone you love to life. Here are some things I have learned and been thinking about.

It struck me last night when Anna told me she was hoping that I would start healing. I am not used to this term lately because everyone else has given me such a different idea of this process. In the eyes of most other people, this lost relationship was nothing more than a bad habit, something I just needed to buckle down and move past. I think it was refreshing to hear that it is something bigger. My love and adoration for Sarah was something that accumulated over time. It was an honest love that had grown and blossomed into what I thought was a beautiful relationship. I loved without fear of loss and I figured she could do the same. The trouble is, now that it all has ended, I am left wondering among other things, how do I love again. It is not that I have someone in mind right now that I need to love, but my heart has literally no clue how to love with no bounds.

A different friend of mine recently told me about her dad and their family pet. The dog they had for years one day accidentally bit off her father's finger in the midst of playing with a toy. The dog was not aggressive or in anyway attempting to harm anyone, but alas, the finger is gone. I joked around with her saying that'd I'd give the pet away. Who cares about loyalty? He bit my finger off.

That's how the love thing feels. I have had it in my heart for so long, that I'm not sure I will ever be able to see it again without being afraid love is gonna bite my finger off.

With the dog, I would rethink every aspect of our relationship. Whether it was feeding, letting him outside, or especially playing again, I would be concerned for my remaining nine fingers' safety. I feel that love is something that is in your life everyday if you do it right. My love affects my friends, my family, and my responsibilities. If I had a problem loving someone that was so easy to love completely, then how the heck can I trust loving the people around me who aren't always looking at my best interests or the classes I'm going to that bore the crap out of me?

They kept the dog. When I asked my friend if her father thought twice about keeping it, she looked surprised that I asked. That dog was apart of their family. Why would it be any different now?

I guess I would like to maintain a similar mentality. Loving is something I have always been good at. Why should it be different now?

Sarah can not take that from me. No one can. Until I figure out who I am supposed to love whole-heartedly, I will continue to focus on the small loves out there. I will be a better friend. I will be a more passionate student. I will love my God the way he made me to.

PS - Another thing I've noticed. In my earlier writings, I would not say her name. Now that I am so certain that she is no longer in my life, I feel like I can be a little more honest and a little less protective.

Thanks for reading. Please continue to pray for me.

God Bless.

recap

So I have been thinking today about the events that passed sometime in October with the angry bar owner and I think I have come to a conclusion about myself. I think I know where my confidence came from that night. I saw these innocent, good guys getting yelled at for something that wasn't at all their fault. Life had put them in a sucky situation, and they were just going to have to deal with it. I hate seeing that. That same feeling poured over me earlier that week and even in that instant. I knew that I wanted to be defended, so I defended them.

The feeling came over me this past week. I was left in the wake of a public humiliation via... drum roll please... Facebook! I know it seems shallow and stupid of me to even care, but sometimes there are those final straws in life that are capable of sending you over the edge. This was one of those final straws. If you know about Facebook, then you know it is notoriously good at humiliating. That's how I felt... humiliated, until my goofy friends all felt the need to digitally defend my honor. Instead of cheap words, they all hopped online and in a chorus, "liked" the offending update. This accompanied with goofy comments made my week! Isn't that ridiculous? I was so entirely happy to have been defended in such a small way by so many people around me. When Sarah and I split, everyone told me that I was too good for her or that she was a fool, but in all actuality, I needed/wanted someone to scream those words to her, not me. Some days I want the people around me to attack the things in life I fear the most. That's why I think I so eagerly jumped down the owner of Schotzi's throat! I wanted someone to take my dignity back for me.

I know what you may be thinking... it may have been a little immature on my part. This is probably true, but I think I needed to stop for one second and be the immature one here. I spent the past few months talking myself in circles about how I feel and act. It is about time for my heart to react the way it needed to when I was so focused on being the better person.

But anyways... here are some lyrics I've been working on. They are about everything I guess.

I guess I thought it’d be different, somehow I could cover it up. But the good guy in me hates the bad guy in you, and my dear, you’ve chosen your side. It’s not that this has to be impossible, but I think it should be tough for you. I know that this has to be harder on me because you cannot handle the truth.

So here I stand, miles away, screaming every possible way, and I’m praying you can hear me. I tried your doorstep. It’s far too cold. Somehow I stand a better chance here alone. From a distance, maybe you can hear me.

You did this so neatly. You had everything go as it should. You crossed your t’s and your I’s were there, but my dear, you forgot how this works. We never fit right on paper, and our words were never our best, so the promise you made when you tore this apart means nothing. We can never be friends.

Southbound on the highway, I’m going through every last thing you said through the phone lines that didn’t seem to work tonight. I thought just maybe, I’d get a chance. I was too late. You could not afford to wait. You had already gone to a new home, as if you’d been there all along. I thought just maybe I’d get a chance to tell you that I could still love you.

I guess this all seems fitting. My undoing will be these words. I’ve sworn not to care and to never be friends, but, my dear, this has never been worse. I promised myself not to tell you, but the blood in my heart won’t subside. So the truth is this… I still love you more than the day before you took my life.

And this one is unrelated and more recent...

The mountain top that you're stuck on can never hold you for long. I'll be your echo. I will answer ever cry for help as quickly as it's shouted out. If you need shelter, I'll be your shield. I will share in every pain and block the ones that will be too much.

You know I'll follow you anywhere whether it be through the darkness or it be despair. You can't do better if you never try. Sometimes it's hard to see the universe for all the sky. I'll take the worst of you on any day, and if you cannot sleep, please know I will stay awake.

As always, please keep me in your prayers. Thanks for reading and God bless.